Friday, July 28, 2006

Is That All There Is?

There’s no better news day than when life imitates The Simpsons. “Parents of the Year” return their award when an arson conviction surfaces? Why, sounds like “Children of a Lesser Clod,” in which Homer opens a daycare center and ends up winning the “Saint Who Walks Among Us” award for his work with children at the annual Good Guy Awards:

Marge: Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards!

Man: We honour people who make life better for the community, like you, with your day care center.

Marge: I contributed by not objecting too much.

Homer: Ahh, that's my girl!

Man: Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind the scenes footage of your amazing work.

Homer: Is there a snack table?

Man: It's already set up. [points to snack table]

Homer: Heehehehee ... [starts gorging. A cameraman comes to film him] Don't film this! [waving fist at camera]

But a surprise is in store in the auditorium on the night of the ceremony:

Krusty: Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work. [screen lowers]

Narrator: It looks like any other home in America, but this is the house that love built. [all the kids are shown playing tug-a-war. The other end is attached to the car, which Homer is driving. Homer guns the engine and the kids let go. The car shoots backwards into a lamppost and catches fire. Homer laughs]. His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon of hope [audience "Awws"] I guess you could sum up Homer in two words ...

Bart: Big phony! [audience gasps] This is the real Homer, a beer drinking meany ... [point to screen]

[Homer is shown passed out drunk in his underwear beside the Christmas tree. Homer is mumbling as the dog sniffs at him. Beer cans are scattered around him]

... and he gambles like crazy ...

[Homer is shown at the kitchen table with Lenny, Moe and Carl, playing cards. He places Maggie and a pile of chips in the center of the table]

Homer: [in video] I'll call.

Moe: Three nines.

Homer: [in video] Oh, I almost had a straight.

Moe: Come to new pappa! [rakes in Maggie]
[audience gasps]

Homer: [in audience] Hey, what's the deal?

Lisa: We just spliced in some home movies ... what do you think?

Homer: Well, I'd rather reserve judgement until I ... oh my God!
[video shows Homer chasing Bart down the street with a mace]

Homer: [on video] I'll mace you good!

Bart: [on video] Ahhh!
[audience gasps]

Homer: [in audience] That is completely taken out of context! [climbs on stage] Why you little ... [starts strangling Bart]

After that it's time to flee the police under the guise of going our for frosty chocolate milkshakes.


Monday, July 17, 2006

Cranky Oldsters Throw Down

Jon Stewart keeps my main man Ted Stevens in the headlines with a much-awaited competition: The Coot-Off!


Friday, July 14, 2006

Riding the Tubes

The technology-challenged Senator Ted Stevens goes techno with this re-mix of his now infamous "series of tubes" speech.

Thanks to Peter for the link.

A rare behind-the-scenes photo of a hacker attacking one of the Internet's tubes:


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Filth and the Fury

Is it just me, or are these stories becoming even more common? The filthy-house-filled-with-neglected-animals story was once on occasional performer on the media stage, but now it seems to be booked for eight shows a week. It has definitely joined the list of retired no-longer-unusual topics from the News of the Weird file, along with old people who accidentally hit the gas instead of the break and plow into buildings (and crowds), 30-something female teachers who have sex with their 15-year old male students and people leaving their babies in sealed cars on hot days. Maybe it's time to start an new all animal hoarding stories all the time blog.