Augustus Gloop's Non-Union, Mexican Equivalent

Who can resist the story of Kenosha, Wisconsinite Darmin Garcia and his brush with a rich, chocolatey death?


Oh, and mean-spirited hoots for all the lame-os who blogged this story with some version of the "Death By Chocolate - For Real!" headline.

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If a Cartoon Cat Jumped off a Bridge...

British TV regulator Ofcom wants to keep certain Tom and Jerry cartoons off the air because they inlcude the unacceptable behavior...of smoking. So repeatedly trying to murder one's fellow house dweller gets the thumbs up, but occasionally rolling a cigarette gets you banned in the UK.

Reminds me of this long ago post.

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Guarding Against Outbound Traffic

The Guardian has a story today on 15 of the most influential websites in the 15-year history of the web. Fascinating, right? How would I have otherwise known, after all, that google.com had been influential in the online world? But here's the inevitable dash of MSM lameness: despite listing the urls at the top of each site's summary history, none of them are hyperlinked. Because apparently after you've read the Guardian's 200-word description of a website, there would be no reason to do anything as insane as actually visitng the site. More importantly, if you navigated away from the newspaper's own site you'd miss their fascinating story about real life Willy Wonka George Cadbury and the model village he built for his human Oompa Loompas outside of Birmingham in the 19th cenutry. News you can use, indeed.

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Is That All There Is?

There’s no better news day than when life imitates The Simpsons. “Parents of the Year” return their award when an arson conviction surfaces? Why, sounds like “Children of a Lesser Clod,” in which Homer opens a daycare center and ends up winning the “Saint Who Walks Among Us” award for his work with children at the annual Good Guy Awards:


Marge: Homer, this man is from the Good Guy Awards!

Man: We honour people who make life better for the community, like you, with your day care center.

Marge: I contributed by not objecting too much.

Homer: Ahh, that's my girl!

Man: Anyway, this film crew will shoot some behind the scenes footage of your amazing work.

Homer: Is there a snack table?

Man: It's already set up. [points to snack table]

Homer: Heehehehee ... [starts gorging. A cameraman comes to film him] Don't film this! [waving fist at camera]


But a surprise is in store in the auditorium on the night of the ceremony:


Krusty: Now let's take a look at Homer's wonderful work. [screen lowers]

Narrator: It looks like any other home in America, but this is the house that love built. [all the kids are shown playing tug-a-war. The other end is attached to the car, which Homer is driving. Homer guns the engine and the kids let go. The car shoots backwards into a lamppost and catches fire. Homer laughs]. His scabby red knee became an infectious beacon of hope [audience "Awws"] I guess you could sum up Homer in two words ...

Bart: Big phony! [audience gasps] This is the real Homer, a beer drinking meany ... [point to screen]

[Homer is shown passed out drunk in his underwear beside the Christmas tree. Homer is mumbling as the dog sniffs at him. Beer cans are scattered around him]

... and he gambles like crazy ...

[Homer is shown at the kitchen table with Lenny, Moe and Carl, playing cards. He places Maggie and a pile of chips in the center of the table]

Homer: [in video] I'll call.

Moe: Three nines.

Homer: [in video] Oh, I almost had a straight.

Moe: Come to new pappa! [rakes in Maggie]
[audience gasps]

Homer: [in audience] Hey, what's the deal?

Lisa: We just spliced in some home movies ... what do you think?

Homer: Well, I'd rather reserve judgement until I ... oh my God!
[video shows Homer chasing Bart down the street with a mace]

Homer: [on video] I'll mace you good!

Bart: [on video] Ahhh!
[audience gasps]

Homer: [in audience] That is completely taken out of context! [climbs on stage] Why you little ... [starts strangling Bart]


After that it's time to flee the police under the guise of going our for frosty chocolate milkshakes.

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Cranky Oldsters Throw Down

Jon Stewart keeps my main man Ted Stevens in the headlines with a much-awaited competition: The Coot-Off!



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Riding the Tubes

The technology-challenged Senator Ted Stevens goes techno with this re-mix of his now infamous "series of tubes" speech.

Thanks to Peter for the link.

A rare behind-the-scenes photo of a hacker attacking one of the Internet's tubes:



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The Filth and the Fury

Is it just me, or are these stories becoming even more common? The filthy-house-filled-with-neglected-animals story was once on occasional performer on the media stage, but now it seems to be booked for eight shows a week. It has definitely joined the list of retired no-longer-unusual topics from the News of the Weird file, along with old people who accidentally hit the gas instead of the break and plow into buildings (and crowds), 30-something female teachers who have sex with their 15-year old male students and people leaving their babies in sealed cars on hot days. Maybe it's time to start an new all animal hoarding stories all the time blog.

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"Who wants to eat at a place that bans complimentary soda refills on ethical grounds?"

My question exactly.

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Fearless and Fabulous in the French Quarter

Every day I'm thankful that Hurricane Katrina didn't destroy the city of New Orleans, mostly because I wouldn't want to face a world without news stories like this one. Why waste one's time with another tedious roundup of the legislation prospects for net neutrality amendments in the Senate when you could be reading articles that include sentences like this: "In the ensuing weeks, the gang of transvestites continued their reign of terror."

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Juliet Finds No Romeos on Capitol Hill

My favorite higher educator Jack Pitney reviews Washington Post reporter Juliet Eilperin's new book on partisan bitterness in NRO today. The surprising conclusion: inter-party sniping and bitterness didn't start with the Republican class of 1994.

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